A postdoc, a grad student, and their professor are taking a walk outdoors during lunch when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof! Out pops a genie!

"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison," he says, "I can grant you three wishes- one for each of you."

The postdoc thinks a moment, and then she says, "I'd like to be out sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with a crew of totally buffed-out, gorgeous guys."

"It is done," says the Genie, and Poof! the postdoc disappears.

The grad student thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."

"It is done," says the Genie, and Poof! the grad student disappears.

The professor looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then, he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in lab after lunch."

Are you in the top half of your class?
No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possible!

The picture of the horse is good, but where is the wagon?
The horse will draw it!

Why are you picking your nose in class?
My mother won't let me do it at home!

Why are you reading the last pages of your history book first?
I want to know how it ends!

What can we do to stop polluting our waters?
Stop taking baths?

Can't you retain anything in your head overnight?
Of course, I've had this cold in my head for two days!

Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a liquid that won't freeze ?
Pupil: Hot water !

Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28 days ?
Pupil: All of them !

Why was the head teacher worried ?
Because there were so many rulers in the school !

Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line ?
Pupil: I tried, but there was someone already there !

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow ?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass !

Teacher: What is "can't" short for ?
Pupil: Can not miss.

Teacher: and what is "don't" short for
Pupil: Doughnut !

Teacher: In 1940, what were the Poles doing in Russia ?
Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines !

Teacher: Why are you standing on your head ?
Pupil: I'm just turning over things in my mind, sir !

Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it ?
Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me ?

1. Your salary is less than you used to pay for tuition.

2. Your potted plants stay alive.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. You have to pay your own credit card bill.

5. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.

6. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.

7. 8:00a.m. is not early.

8. You have to file for your own taxes.

9. Torn jeans and shorts aren't staples in your wardrobe.

10. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

11. You refer to college students as kids.

12. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.

Young Larry stopped by the corner grocery store and read the following list to the clerk:

10 pounds sugar at $1.25 a pound
4 pounds coffee at $1.50 a pound
2 pounds butter at $1.10 a pound
2 bars soap at $.83 each

"How much does that come to?" asked Larry.

"Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents."

"If I gave you three ten dollar bills, how much change would I get?" said the boy.

"Seven dollars and sixty-four cents," stated the clerk who appeared to be irritated by all the questions.

Larry said, as he disappeared through the door, "I don't want to buy the items...that's our arithmetic lesson for tomorrow, and I needed some help with it."